“ADVICE : BUILDING A TRANQUIL HOME ”

FROM THE DESK OF USTAZ ZHULKEFLEE

As the period for this course has been limited to only a few sessions, whereas there are much more that can be learnt, thus I will only cover certain aspects only and hope it can be useful towards preparing all of you for your marriage. This brief paper is simply entitled : “An advice .....”, and I direct the advice to myself and to you :


Remember always

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you (azwaaj - plural for zawj) mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell (live) in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect.”
(Qur’an: ar-Rum: 30: 21)

· That a wife or a husband (though are different) are meant to complement each other.
· We are to live with our wife or husband in tranquillity. Trials and tribulations may occur but we must set our vision towards creating a tranquil home, and work together for its achievement.
· Love and mercy which we hope to nurture, are bestowal’s from Allah. Thus whatever feelings of love and mercy which already blossoms within us must be cherished and we must be grateful for, so that much more will be given by Allah s.w.t. He says in the Qur’an : “If you are grateful, then I will give you more (much more than you deserve)...” (Q: Surah Ibrahim : 7)



Reliance on “Taqwa” (consciousness of God) and
“Tawakkal” (Trusting in God)

“And unto everyone who is conscious of Allah (yatta-qillaah), He (Allah) [always] grants a way out [of unhappiness], and provides for him in a manner beyond all expectation; and for everyone who places his trust in Allah, He alone is sufficient. Verily Allah always attains to His purpose: [and] indeed, unto everything has Allah appointed its [term and] measure.”
(Qur’an: at-Talaq: 65: 3)

Leadership & Communication skills

“And it was by Allah’s grace that you [O Prophet] did deal gently with your followers: for if you had been harsh and heart, they would indeed have broken away from thee. Pardon them, then, and pray that they be forgiven. And take counsel with them in all affairs of the moment; then, when you have decided upon a course of action, place your trust in Allah: for verily Allah loves those who place their trust in Him.”
(Qur’an: al-Imran: 3: 159)

Factors to consider for good leadership are:

· gentle and not harsh-hearted;
· readiness to overlook and to pardon shortcomings;
· seek Allah’s forgiveness for each others mistakes;
· mutual consultation in affairs of moments;
· after making resolve on a matter, to place complete trust in Allah s.w.t.

Factors for good communication

· openness
· self-awareness : “WHAT are we saying ? HOW we are saying it?

and WHY are we saying it ?”
· maintain dignity - “self-esteem & self-confidence”
· Empathy
· Good listener:give attention, respond with encouragement and remembering what is said.

Tips: remember “Use C “:
U - understand what is said
S - show interests and do not interrupt
E - express to speaker that you understand / feedback
“C” - clarify whenever you are unsure


Adjustments


Marriage requires adjustment - of yourself to your partner, your new role, new environment etc. It definitely will require both of you to be open to change. Whether the marriage work or not, cooperation of both parties are crucial. Thus you need to have a positive “give-and-take” attitude, supportive and understanding of each other. You are to remember that there may be certain expectations, which you have which are not realistic and thus, should be ready to compromise and adjust. Talk with your spouse and not at your spouse. Listen and consider what your partner has to say. Be open and understanding. Remember real love blossoms after marriage, and requires constant nurturing. Be appreciative of your partner’s willingness to change. Your past attraction before marriage, at best, may be just infatuation or “puppy love”. Most successful marriages are by those who worked to develop love after marriage, and not those who rely on their feeling of “love” for each other before marriage.

Set quality programs (routine)

· perpetuate the feeling of affection through “Salaam”
· speak words of kindness to each other
· always have time for each other - your partner needs assurance & encouragement.
· perform the (swolah) obligatory prayers together at home
· do things together or with each others knowledge
· do not go to sleep with unsettled differences
· always seek Allah’s assistance by devotions and supplications to Him.
· maintain healthy lifestyle.


Intimacy

Wedding night

· Offer 2 rakaat prayer (optional), and then supplicate :

“O Allah! Bless me with her affection and her acceptance of me; make me be pleased with her; and bring us together in the best form of union and in absolute harmony; surely You like what is lawful and hate the unlawful things.”

· Always observe good hygiene: “It is the practice of the Prophet [pbuh] to be in wudhu’ (ablution) prior to having sex with his wife. He would also clean his teeth and use perfume.” (Hadith)

· Du’a before engaging in intercourse : The Prophet [pbuh] always begin by reciting :

BIS-MILLAAH,

ALLAA-HUM-MA JAN-NIB-NAA
MINASH-SHAY-TwAAN,

WA-JAA- NIBISH- SHAY-TwAA-NA MAA-
RAZAQ-TANAA.
“In the Name of Allah! O Allah, please keep us away from satan and keep satan away from all that which You bestow upon us.”

Fore-play

• It is the Sunnah (the way) of the Prophet [pbuh] to precede sexual act with playful teasing and foreplay. Remember that your partners have feelings too. Therefore learn, explore and help to heighten arousal of your partner thereby making it ready for actual intercourse. Ample ways are open as alluded to in the beautiful parable in the Qu’ran and we should reflect upon it:
  
  

  “Your wives are as tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when and how you will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and be conscious of Allah, and know that you are to meet Him (in the hereafter), and give (these) glad tidings to those who believe.”
  (Qur’an: al-Baqarah: 2: 223)
  

  
  

  “You may have it (sexual intercourse) from the front or from the rear,
  as long as it is in her vagina.”
  (Hadith of the Prophet -Bukhary & Muslim)
  

  
  
  When is sex forbidden?
  
  · during menstruation (refer Qur’an al-Baqarah : 2 : 222)
  · during post-natal bleeding
  · during the daily fast of Ramadhan
  · when in state of Ihram (when performing Hajj & Umrah)
  
  Strict confidentiality:
  
  The Prophet [pbuh] said: “Of all the people, the worst is that person who approaches his wife and enjoy her company, and then he publicize this secret (to others).
  (Hadith of the Prophet)
  
  
  
  Avoid divorce
  
  
  The Prophet [pbuh] said:
  
  

  “A thing that (although) is lawful and (yet) is disliked
  by Allah, is divorce.”
  (Hadith of the Prophet)

  
  “Get married to one another and avoid divorce for Allah dislikes people who change their husbands or their wives.”
  (Hadith of the Prophet)
  
  

  “A wife who asks for divorce from her husband without
  valid reason will be forbidden from the fragrance of
  Paradise.”
  (Hadith of the Prophet)
  

  
  
  · Husbands are to be careful of their words (either spoken or written). Their pronouncement of divorce is valid even if said in jest or play-acting. Whether the words are clear (explicit) or even if implied (kinaayah), such pronouncement will be taken seriously. A divorced couple is allowed to be reconciled twice (talaq raj’i), but after the third pronouncement (talaq ba’in), they will forever be separated with no chance for reconciliation (except if the wife marries another man, who later divorced her after consummation - “muhallil”).

· Every pronouncement made should be reported to the Shari’ah court.



Managing a delinquent wife: Steps stipulated in the Qur’an ......

“And as for those women (wives) whose ill-will (“nushuz” - rebellious) you have reason to fear, admonish them [first]; then leave them alone in bed; then beat them *; and if thereupon they pay heed (obey), do not seek to harm them. Behold, Allah is indeed most high, great! And if you have reason to fear that a breach might occur between a [married] couple, appoint an arbiter from among his people and an arbiter from among her people; if they both want to set things aright, Allah may bring about their reconciliation. Behold, Allah is indeed all-knowing, aware.”
(Qur’an: an-Nisa’: 4: 34)

*regarding beating, the Prophet [pbuh] stressed that this is only resorted to if the wife “has become guilty, in an obvious manner, of immoral conduct”, and that it should be done “in such a way (ghayr mubarrih) as not to cause pain “ If it has to be resorted to at all, should be more or less symbolic - “with a toothbrush, or some such thing” or even “with a folded handkerchief”.

(a) “.... admonish”
A rebellious wife should be admonished first. The role of the husband to educate and guide his family towards that which can save the family from hell-fire, requires him to be firm. But he should not be impatient but rather he should strive to firstly teach and if need be to admonished her. The wife should be careful to note the seriousness of this admonition for it is the first step. The tone of admonition could be gradually changed from a firm statement to even raising the voice slightly to indicate the seriousness of the matter.

(b) “..... leave them alone in bed”
If by admonishing, the wife do not change her ways, the Qur’an stipulates “sleeping separately.” It is hoped that the sensitive nature of woman should awaken her to the seriousness of the matter.

(c) “ ........ beat them”
Sometimes, even this may not work. The Qur’an then allows for the husband to “beat.” As has been explained above, this is not meant to cause hurt or pain to the wife, but as a symbolic gesture by the husband to shock her into realizing that she has already exceeded her limits.

(d) “...... appoint arbiters”
When all these could not resolve the situation, then the couple is advised to resort to arbitration. Two respectable people, one representative for each, to adjudicate the differences using the teachings of Islam as the standard. It is hope that they can advise those guilty of wrong to mend her ways or his ways (when it is the wife/husband who is at fault).


Managing a ‘delinquent’ husband ......

It may so happen that it is the husband that is the delinquent party. Although the approach to deal with the ‘delinquent’ husband is not like the previous steps, because in the case of a delinquent wife her husband will also be made to be responsible for her sins, whereas the sins committed by the husband is not borne by the wife. But, there are ways, which the wife can and should adopt to deal with him.

(a) “words of advise”

It is the wife’s right to offer advise as the Prophet [pbuh] have said “ ... if you are unable to change the (wrongdoing) with your hands, then do it with your tongue...”. The manner of giving advise should be one which exude compassion, kindness and concern (which actually is the strength in a woman), always giving due respect to him as the husband. So be firm and yet kind. Thus this has to be done with utmost patience and perseverance. Knowledge about the religion therefore is very useful as basis for your advice, because everyone has to obey Allah and His messenger. Support this with prayers (swolah) and supplication (do’a) because only Allah s.w.t. has power to change a person’s heart. The rule is as Allah s.w.t. said :

“Invite them (all) to the way of your Lord with wisdom
and fair exhortation ...”
(Q: Surah An-Nahl: 125)

(b) “seek assistance”

When the nature of delinquency involves deprivation of your rights as a wife especially for those stipulated in the Ta’liq [special condition read by the husband after the solemnization] such as: non-payment of maintenance, or his violence leading to injury or damage to yourself or to your property, or when his action causes you to loose respect - you can seek assistance or indulgence of the Shar’iah court. It does not mean that by going to the Shar’iah court, a woman is taking steps for divorce. You will be given professional advice or the couple may be given to family counselors to resolve the problems. There are other Islamic organizations that provide family counseling services which you may turn to in strict confidentiality. Our task (Shar’iah court and all Islamic organizations) is to ensure problems within families are resolved so as to prevent breaking up. You must know that Islamic laws are there to ensure the rights of every Muslim are accorded. Perhaps advice from such body may be effective where the wife’s advise fails.


Negative effects of divorce

· (if convert) danger of renouncement.
· remarriage with others may become more difficult due to social stigma, children, age.
· emotionally stressful to both.
· wealth and property will be divided up.
· children will face a trauma and their future development will suffer from a broken home.
· may create enmity between families.


Conclusion:

“ May Allah bless us all! And join you all in the bond of your marriage with bestowal of goodness. May He strengthens your Faith through this marriage so that you are able to fulfill all your responsibilities with dedication and Taqwa.” Aa-min.

Wallaahu a’lam - wabil-laahit-tau-fiq wal-hidaa-yah
Was-salaamu ‘alay-kum warah -matullaah.